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Okay here's a new post

topic posted Wed, October 24, 2007 - 12:54 PM by  Unsubscribed
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Bound to raise some hackles or horns as the case may be. This was sent to me by a friend and I claim NO responsibility. Lets just say this is all the negative aspects of the zodiac.

Bastards of the Zodiac

ARIES
Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and
women were grateful.

English is his second language, grunting is his first.
And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his
sporting achievements and how feminists would be a lot
less uptight if he gave them a good shag. If the
bastard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening,
whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles
down to read Jane Austen to you, he's almost certainly
gay and he's definitely not Aries.

TAURUS
A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better
than a female. Even when he doesn't.

As the zodiac's number one control freak, Taurus knows
what's good for you. Even though he patently isn't.
Paradoxically, when he's not running - and therefore
ruining - your life, the Taurean bastard is busy being
chronically lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well
for what we will generously describe as your
'sex-life'
with him. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only
advice here is to make the most of your rapidly
deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac.
That means he'll be forced to stop doing likewise and
be helpful for once by rushing round trying to find
you a good psychiatrist.

GEMINI
Gemini bastards are completely and utterly mad.

A Gemini bastard has many demons - a multitude of
personalities living inside him, each of whom
qualifies as a bastard in his own right. Because
Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually
change his ideas and opinions. What he says today
won't mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn't
mean much today either. You could see this as a
natural result of him having to deal with his
conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a
result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying
bastard.

CANCER
Used to sneak his mother's Barbara Cartland novels
when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.

Any boy should have the decency to look visibly
embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his
face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he's
thirty-eight. However we're not talking about a grown
man here, are we? We're talking about Cancer. It
doesn't actually matter whether you are compatible
with a Cancer bastard. Getting on with him isn't half
as important as getting on with the woman who reared
him. After all, she's the one responsible for making
him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not
today.

LEO
A complete bloody nightmare.

His entrance will always be preceded with a drum roll.
If you miss his entrance you'll find him already
strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can't
miss him there - not with the two game show hostesses
on either side of him pointing him out. You might also
notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a
cloudy message in the air: women of the world, my gift
to you. Regards, God. Do the deed on the third date.
You'll need to do something to avoid hearing his life
story again and sex will shut him up nicely.

VIRGO
If you're looking for a man that no other woman will
ever want to steal, you've finally found him.

Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial
killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to
discover for years and date a Virgo bastard. If you
are currently in love with a Virgo and you don't want
to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel that
features an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try
telling us he doesn't remind you of someone you know
and it's all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks
vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably
saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crimewatch the
night before and faintly remember words like
'bludgeoned', 'manhunt' and 'Virgo'.

LIBRA
Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the
full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.

Charmingly boyish, well-dressed - with the nicely
blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not
much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs,
he's only appealing to women still under the age of
eight. Anyone older will see that he is plastic and
empty, with a preference for unrealistically
proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow,
he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a
commitment. The Libra bastard will never make either.

SCORPIO
A sneaky, nasty, controlling bastard, a master
manipulator and a world-class pervert.

Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio bastard
is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your
self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of
life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy.
He'll hold a grudge against you until the day you die.
Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his
at the office Christmas party. It won't cross your
mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day
three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with
your maid of honour and your sister just hours before
he marries you.

SAGITTARIUS
Past philosophers used a comforting tool: 'I think,
therefore I am not Sagittarius'.

Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks
before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you
only after you have left him. Which is why when people
say Sagittarius is a lucky bastard, they're dead
right. the fact you haven't murdered him yet is a
miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a particularly
backward brontosaurus and the sort of sexual appetite
that even Caligula would deem excessive, the
Sagittarian bastard is compatible with very few women.
Not because he's fussy - he's not. It's just that most
women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

CAPRICORN
The heart of a loan shark, the humour of an undertaker
and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.

Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is
hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married
and raise a family. He has no problem with the concept
and implementation of commitment. He'll even be
faithful to you - although this can't be guaranteed as
he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you
off into the sunset, he has to check your credit
rating. And no, he's not joking. He never jokes about
money, or anything else come to think of it.

AQUARIUS
He seems like any normal bloke. Don't be fooled, the
Aquarius is about as 'normal' as a pig with wings.

Aquarius is the most reasonable bastard you'll ever
encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing,
every belief system has some legitimacy. This, in
turn, could lead you to think he is actually more
morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of
his male peers. Don't be fooled. It makes him
different from the other eleven bastards, not better.
Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese
whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there'll be at
least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him
attractive and he'll be completely oblivious to your
existence. Ignore him and he'll be all over you.

PISCES
Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.

Because he's at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is
often referred to as the astrological 'rubbish tip'.
What this means is he has a little bit of all bastards
in him, which therefore makes him a bastard twelve
times over. This in turn means he's obliged to tell
massive fibs so you won't find out the awful truth.
Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the
sooner you'll spot the yawning chasm between fact and
fiction and faster you can drop him. Because to be
honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off,
you'll begin to resent being a full-time lie detector
on legs.
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    Re: Okay here's a new post

    Thu, October 25, 2007 - 3:01 PM
    Having dated a couple of tauruses and a leo and a scorpio I have to say that when they became bastards, this is totally true. The taurus guys were lazy, the leo was full of himself and the scorpio was conniving.
    • Unsu...
       

      Re: Okay here's a new post

      Thu, October 25, 2007 - 4:44 PM
      then you got the wrong bulls
      • db
        db
        offline 61

        Re: Okay here's a new post

        Thu, October 25, 2007 - 10:00 PM
        those are hilarious and hit it on the head for many...,
        but don't forget about those bitches!!!!!!! (was posted in the Rising Scorpio tribe)


        Bitches of the Zodiac

        Aries

        Hey fellas, how about a woman that wishes she had been born a man? Angry, sarcastic, hateful, domineering and downright butch? If you like having your manhood constantly questioned and competed against than this is the girl for you. Just don't expect her to love you. Her childish personality couldn't even fathom love if it hit her on her cropped haired head. Outburst are frequent. She acts more like a steretypical male in bed than any other woman, which is great if you like violent warlike sex. If you want something that resembles an emotional connection, fuhgeddaboudit, she's already asleep.

        Taurus

        How about a girl who is obssessed with eating? Stubborn as her namesake bull and will cast you into the role of a bastard until the day you die. Impossible to please. She can be violent as well, so adjust your reflexes for when she starts throwing things at you it can get nasty. Her redeeming feature is her loyalty, but ONLY if you can satistify her in the sack. If you lack that particular ability, then she has no qualms about fucking anyone else.

        Gemini

        A one girl harem. This woman couldn't be faithful if she tried. She flirts with anyone and anything that moves, if they can keep her interest that long. Life with this woman is one big joke or in her words "PARTY PARTY PARTY" Her attention span is shorter than a millimeter ruler. Plus her mouth never quits so it is impossible to get a simple word in edgewise. When you do, she has already moved on to something else. Better avoid these women if you are the possessive type of man or you could be driven to do things you regret.


        Cancer

        Moody childish basket case of a woman at her worst, sweet loving mother at her best. Pray you are lucky enough to find the latter instead of the former. With that kind of woman you will never ever sleep at night due to the emotional manipulation she will pull which always ends up making you feel less than human. Also, sexually, Cancer women can swing to extremes, they can be the eternal slut (think Pamela Anderson and porn star Jesse Jane) or a frigid cold bitter crone. Hopefully you can find one somewhere in between.

        Leo

        Leo woman can demand you worship her like QUEEN GODDESS OF THE UNIVERSE. If you don't serve her every whim, then you with deal with her wrath, which isn't pretty. The self-obsessed Leo woman rarely thinks of anyone but her next source of gratification. Delights in putting others down. On the other hand, some Leo women are very generous and giving. Find out what yours is before you decide to get serious.

        Virgo

        Calculating, structuring workaholic of a woman who admittedly usually has a very intelligent mind. However, her heart is a little hard to find sometimes. Criticizing is her favorite pastime. Nothing you ever do is right because she could do it better. She notices the small things, like if you happen to have a speck of lint on your jacket. Sex will never be spontaneous and always structured. She can be loving, if she can find time for it in her busy schedule.

        Libra

        Well, why not try and appearance obsessed woman who can never make up her mind? Vain and flighty, Miss Libra will always go for looks. You best look good or she wont even notice you. Plus don't have any opinions because she will always defend the other side. Its her special way of making you look bad by giving you the precious gift of "balance".

        Scorpio

        Hey now, she is very sexy and alluring but make sure she's not using you to further her own gains. Much like Aries woman, she feels the need to dominate and show the menfolk there place. She really just wants her equal in a man. Trouble is, NO MAN is every considered her equal in her eyes. On the flip side, if she loves you, you'd best love her back and NEVER EVER betray her because the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" most definitely came from a Scorpio woman.

        Sagittarius

        Well, dudes, do you enjoy being someone who cannot keep a secret? Who will share all of yours with everyone she knows? Now that's honesty! if you want a wild party girl who likes to stay active, travel everywhere without a moment's notice and care's little for others? Britney and Christina anyone??? Good for a one night stand, bad for anything longer than that. The choice is yours.

        Capricorn

        Hey all you extravagant big spenders out there? Need a woman who can manage your money? Then you need a Goat girl because she'll manage it so well, you'll probably never see it again. Plus a woman who can't take a joke or crude comment? If you like that it gets better: Here's a woman who cares so much about social ettiquette that she will despise you for a long time if you look even a little out of place in a crowd. Similar to virgo, she structures and schedules sex. Highly unromantic woman as well.

        Aquarius

        Want a woman with eighty five piercings in her face along, orange hair and who looks like a space monster from Mars? (or is that Uranus?) She'll babble on and on about eccentric nonsense until you fall asleep from pure boredom. A highly masculine woman who is detached from her emotions. Doesn't usually cheat, but sees no problem with swapping, orgies and any other form of sexuality. Its all great fun!!! right?

        Pisces

        This girl convinces herself that every dude she screws is Prince Goddamn Charming his own self. Even if it lasts for 10 seconds. Emotional basket case who freaks out and puts on a dramatic show at the smallest slight. Also highly spaced out.